A couple of days back I lost my maternal grandmother due to Covid. Since then, I have been having flashes of childhood memories! Some of those have made me happy and some made me sad! She was the last one from her generation because of whom I felt like being connected with three generations.
The mystery of death!
Now that I know she is no more, I can connect all her dots looking backward. But I wonder, is she able to? Constantly I have been haunted by the question, where is she now? Would she know what grief all of us are going through? Is she out somewhere with the realization that she has died as being “Lakshmi Bai” daughter of, wife of, mother of, grandmother of……But still being able to look at us with the same feelings and worldly attachments as she had? She never visited outside India in her life. I wonder, now is she able to visit and see me in Canada?
Everyone around is talking how fulfilling her life was, that she died peacefully, she was all but a wonder woman. Does she have the same thought? Is she processing her life the same way? Is she even processing it or is she just gone? What if this is just our way of being able to live after her, convincing ourselves!
Memories she left me with:
I have umpteen happy memories with her, and I am glad that I do. Probably she is the first and only one I had from that generation who loved me, really loved me! Maybe that is the reason, I am feeling disconnected now. I am not a big fan of the rituals done after one die. I just want to relive some of my happy memories here as my way of letting her know what she has given to me, knowingly and unknowingly.
· My mom was in total 4 sisters and 2 brothers. It was a ritual every year, that all of them would visit Naani during summer vacation, for whatever duration it was possible. A total of 15 grandchildren is what she has left behind now. And at any given point in time, atleast 8 would be there during the summer visit.
· As a child, I always looked forward to the visit to Naani’s house. That was the most awaited part of my summer vacation. The excitement would keep me awake at night a couple of days in advance. Maa and I would board the bus at 6am, and the journey of 5 hrs always felt long.
· Naani would always have someone sent to receive us. The moment we would turn in the lane of her house, there she would be standing right outside the main door, waiting in anticipation. Her eagerness and happiness would always be evident. And she would hug and kiss me all over my face. She would ask my mom “kyun beta, bahut kharaab dikh riya”, “Bahut dubli ho gai”. “Chalo the log mooh, haath dho lo, mah thaali lagaaun garam garam”!
· During the visit, she would take me around to neighbor’s house and she would proudly introduce me and ask people “Pehchaane kya, Hyd se shaku ki beti hai”. “Maaiye, kitni badi ho gai 1 saal me”! And I would blush happily and enjoy that moment of city celebrity!
· Each day, she would wake up at 4am. All of us would be sleeping cramped up in what we called “Kinaare ka karma”. Sometimes, we would have slept on the terrace and had to come running downstairs when it suddenly started raining. I recall, she would be reciting her mantras and frequently ring her bell in front of God. After her long hours of Pooja, she would slowly come to see us and throw sarcasm “Abhi neend poori nahi hui thaaki”, “Dhoop nikal kar aa gai aa sar par. Aaaiii”. And we would just pull the cover up to the eyes, throw our head underneath the pillow and try to sleep back again.
· Once we would all wake up, there would be a big lineup for washroom and for taking shower. Some of us were given shower in the open, some of us got to use the bathroom. All in pairs or more 😊 The smell of ghaslate and the warmth of the stove which would keep running to help us with warm water, is still etched. We would throw water at each other, keep having random thoughts and take long time to come out of the bathroom. Someone would come running soon, “Jaldi karo, paani garam ho gai. Doosra na bhi nahaanu ha”.
· Summer vacation was the time to put on our best outfits and flaunt at each other. I remember fighting with mum to wear specific clothes. Once dressed, we were all given breakfast, little glass of milk and then Naani would say “Chaalo…Aba pet bhariyo na, sab bandi bhagaao mandir na. Ab 2 ghanta pacha aanu, bhookh lage jab”. We would all march towards mandir, most often she herself would accompany us while all the sisters/in law got their time to chit chat and manage kitchen. We would visit Balaji mandir and hanuman mandir. She would sit down there, and we would all play for hours together.
· During afternoon time she would stop anyone who would come to sell anything, Be it pepsi, be it baraf gola, sometimes fruits…Whatever it would be, she would definitely buy something for all of us. In the evening time, she would take us again for a quick stroll, and would ask “Kunaana paani puri khaanu hun” “Kaun milkshake peene waala ho” and there would be some of us who would be eyeing for both or all options :P And there would be some video game lovers who would trade this money for the game and not eat anything. She had a little bag that she would hang right in front of her belly along the waistline where her saree would run. She would happily take money out of it and treat us with these joyful delicacies.
· I remember she had this unique (I would find it peculiar as a child) way of expressing her love towards her daughters. She would knock on their door when they were taking bath and check on them “Aaun kaai beta, thodi peeth ghis dun thaari”. I would always ask mom, “why does naani do this?”
· My extremely fond memories with her are when I would ask her if I can comb and braid her hair. She had nice, long black hair and she would also tie extension. I loved doing it for it. She would look at herself in the mirror and say, “Aee diwani amma, kaisi daali beta choti. Diwaani lagri naani “! I also have a little scar on my right wrist. This was when I adamantly tried cooking “Jawaari ki roti” on the choohla and burnt my hand. She was scared that my mom would scold her!
· I also have faint memories of her stories around the erection of the signal tower in the village. She would mention the details of how many people died while trying to erect it. I also learnt riding a bicycle there. She would buy us rental bicycles and ask some boys to help us learn the cycle. She would give roti to gaai everyday. The gaai would block the main door and not leave till she was fed!
· And then, after the extremely delightful stay, whenever it was time for me to return to Hyderabad, I felt like leaving something behind. We would always be the first of the big family, to return! I would always think why everyone else can stay longer and why do we have to return so quickly! I would go through so many emotions during my return journey, recall each day and remember how I spent it. It would make me extremely sad, that all of this will happen again after a whole one year! Now I feel this was such a natural way of being taught “how to manage change”, “how nothing lasts forever. Both good and bad”, “If something good ends once, it will come back again. Be patient”
· The old structure of the house was something I always fancied recalling in the form of geometry. I would always recall it when I would come back to Hyderabad, just so that I do not forget! “Enter hote hi ek rectangle. Uske right me kinaare ka ghar. Uske baad, ek chota sa portion. Usme steps oopar jaane k liye, left me kapde dhone ka pathar, chota sa houz, aur kiraaydaar ka kamra. Right me naanaji ka room. Uske baad ek step oopar chadho to, black and white chessboard jaise pathar. Uske left mein store room, right me kitchen. Uske end me maama, maami ka room, left me badi si gali (jisme humesha choohe hote the). Us gali me right me bathroom aur uske bilkul end me washroom”. For one week after my return, I would recall this every morning, go over to the bathroom where mom would be washing clothes and tell her “Maa, sabki bahut yad aa rahi hai”!
Such are my beautiful memories of visit to “Naani’s house”. I always say, she never had a lot of money at disposal. But her house was always filled with lots and lots of love! And that was another big lesson. It does not matter; you have money, or you do not have it. If you are willing to share, care and love, that is all that matters. All of us have grown in our respective ways, but these childhood memories keep all of us connected till date.
I am most thankful to her for giving me the biggest gift of my life, my mum! I love her the most and I will forever be indebted to you for this! Someday, I hope to see you/feel you when I join you back in the family tree 😊 Till then, lots of love!
Love, Love, Love!
My Favorite! 
Did I get that beautiful smile from her?
